I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
