Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
