made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
