I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
