He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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