I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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