why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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