but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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