She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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