I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
