I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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