I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
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