I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
