Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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