I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
