I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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