He told me they were just razor bumps!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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