every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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