i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
