You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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