why do cheetos always look like penises
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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