We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
