when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
