the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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