his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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