i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
