I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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