so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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