The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
