She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
