3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
