You made me cry and you don't even care
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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