I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
