i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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