would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
