Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
