you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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