Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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