The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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