this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize