is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
