This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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