I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
