New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
