Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
