I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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