All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
