I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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