Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Soap is not a condiment
Welp...herpes.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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