Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
