I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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