So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
