Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
