I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
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