Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You took a bar mat shot.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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