just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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