I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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