i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
